Tips on Separation Anxiety

Did you know that separation anxiety doesn’t just have to be related to the separation from a person?! Children can experience separation anxiety when leaving, or spending time away from, places, toys, pets and objects, however the most common form of separation anxiety is from a parent.

Separation anxiety is when a child is fearful from being apart from a person, place or thing, most commonly a parent or carer. Often the children feel that they can’t cope on their own without this person, place or thing.

If you have a child who suffers from separation anxiety, you know how much of an impact it can have on the entire family. At times, you can find yourself easily getting caught up in all of the emotions and you may not know how to move forward. 

Putting in place a new morning routine or a specified routine before leaving the house at any time of the day, can help ease your child’s anxiety for school drop off, before school care, extra-curricular activities or even when visiting friends and family! From personal experience, providing a routine in which the child feels safe, is based on your child’s strengths, interests and needs, can make a difference in just two days.

Below is a list of actions that you can set up in your routine to help ease the pain, stress, tears and frustration for both parents and children in your home. Each activity has been chosen at it supports optimal function of the nervous system and the brain:

·       TV off and happy, upbeat music on when it’s time to get ready to reduce cortisol and increase serotonin and endorphins.

·       Visual chart of what to do to get ready to help the pre-front cortex with organisation.

·       Rewards when morning chores are completed for a dopamine hit. E.g. sticker charts.

·       Clothes, food, things your child needs to take to school for the day prepared the night before to reduce stress of last-minute prepping/finding things.

·       Choosing a toy to hold/play with to encourage oxytocin.

. Having an activity to complete when your child gets to school so they have something planned that they enjoy rather than worrying what they will do. 

·       Exercise for 5-10 minutes E.g. following along to Just Dance on YouTube to get the blood pumping, emotional energy moving through the body and endorphins flowing.

·       Encourage positive self-talk such as “I can do this", to remind your child’s brain that they are capable and calm the amygdala.

·       Wearing a watch to give information on time of when you will leave home, how long until the school bell, how long until home time etc.

·       Talking through a simple step by step social script around school drop off and the day ahead starting the night before, repeating again in the morning and as you pull up at school to help your child feel more comfortable.

·       A set plan for what happens every day when your child gets to school from drop off, play time and entering the classroom. There can be a lot of unknown and overwhelm from morning crowds at school drop off. Set a plan. E.g. going to the office first to meet a trusted adult who walks your child to their teacher or calls their teacher to collect your child from the office.

·       Reminder of how your child will get home, time they will see you again and what fun thing you will do after school.

·       Physical touch with hand holding, kiss and cuddle for connection and to release oxytocin.

·       Remind your child to use mindful breathing to calm themselves down if they feel anxious or worried during the day and de-activate the stress response. .

We encourage you to have many discussions with your child about how anxiety is a normal human emotion that everyone feels to different degrees. Explain that our amygdala (flight or fight part of the brain) is just trying to keep us safe even when it tricks us with perceived danger. 

There is scientific evidence to show that when an emotionally heightened person is interacting with a calm person, the mirror effect in the brain kicks in and the heightened person will automatically and gradually calm to the other persons level.

I know that as parents and teachers we are humans and have feelings and reactions too, but when a child in your care is experiencing separation anxiety, it is imperative that you do your best to stay calm…try to hold your reaction in until a later time after drop off if you can.

Your child’s anxiety may present as aggressive or seem ‘naughty’ (fight responses), or appear ignorant or disengaged (flight responses) which can trigger us, but learning to respond with love and kindness in difficult situations, even when your heart is breaking for your child or you are in a rush to leave and get somewhere on time, is the best choice to manage the situation and support your child.

Please introduce and practise the above tips when your child is calm and not in the middle of a meltdown. When they are calm and cooperative, they can understand, be more receptive and then learn to apply the tools that you are teaching them.

Our top tip for you when managing separation anxiety, is it start with co-regulating your child’s emotional system. This means you guiding them through each step, being there with them in that moment, and encouraging them to copy along with you. Then as they progress through the routine and have the skills to calm themselves down, you can allow your child to focus on self-regulation. 

Some of this information may seem straight forward, but sometimes we need to hear things from others to help give a new perspective. Let this blog be the reminder, or guide, you needed to help improve your child’s separation anxiety.